It's still a channeled blog, and I'm still not Cullen, just FYI.
Speaking of which, I normally don't get to channel with Door this much, since I'm not just doing the sort of channeling where I keep talking and talking and she writes it all down. Nope. I'm doing the sort where she completely lets me into her body (get your mind out of the gutter, that's where I belong), I grab her laptop, hike over to the nearest library, and then type it all out myself. Because I'm not a lazy ghost, for the record.
On that note, when I was taking said walk over to said library, I ran into several intersections. And I waited oh-so-patiently for the light to change while other people raced across between the car. That struck me as a little weird, considering that there's one general trait that pretty much anyone who's met me can agree on about me.
I'm impulsive. Reckless. Hotheaded. Rash. However you put it, waiting oh-so-patiently for a light to change wasn't usually my sort of thing, much less sighing and shaking my head and rolling my eyes at the people running across.
I mean, wake up, dude, you're normally the one leading all the people running across the intersection! And now you're acting like they're so stupid for it? What's up?!
Well, point being that it was always one thing when it was my body and my life. It suddenly became an entirely different concept when it was Door's body and Door's life. Even though I'm dead and her being dead would mean we could actually be together for once, I want her to live as long of a life as possible. Normally I don't do things to hurt her when I channel. At least not intentionally.
Except for last night. Eh, it's not like I cut her wrists or anything, so don't worry. She just wanted to wake up early so that she go out, play some violin on the street and hopefully earn enough money to ride the trains around town. And I ended up staying up until one in the morning (even though I knew it would make the next day hard for her) just because I didn't want to go to bed.
And sure enough, she wasn't able to go out and play violin. Which pissed her off. Which meant that I got yelled at quite a bit this morning. And this morning I was pretty mad at her for doing that at the time. I was pretty close to writing out an angry blog entry wondering how she could be so stupid, but I was too upset with her to even ask if I could channel, much less actually do it.
Now, looking back, I'm pretty glad I didn't write that entry. She would have inevitably read it (she reads anything I write), and it would have just ended up escalating the fight even more. And really, it's her body, her plans, her life, and I'm not really the one who's supposed to be allowed to muck that up. Unless of course, if she says I'm allowed to muck it up, but that didn't happen last night, considering I could feel her yelling at me to go to bed all the way until 1AM.
So then the big question is, why did I stay up so late with all of that against it?
Hm, yeees... Good question. Embarrassing question, really, because I do know the reason I did it. I didn't want to go to bed with Door. And that's because I knew that she's been horny for the past few days. And I knew that as soon as I got to bed she would start flirting with me and asking for sex. (Yes, it actually is possible between a spirit and a living person (how else do you think she got pregnant?) but I'm not going to explain unless someone asks me, so either shut up, use your imagination, or just come out and ask me.)
Now, let's get this straight. I'm a normal guy. I established that yesterday. And, as a normal guy, ME LIKEY SEX. More like love. More like adore. Yeah. So for me to be dreading Door asking me for sex not only sets off warning bells in her head, but in mine too. I knew what I was turning down. I knew how much I liked it. And I still kept telling her "No, I just don't want to, just leave me alone."
Naturally, Door thought I'd suddenly stopped loving her or something. Especially since I once told her that if she said no to sex several times in a row, it was like she was slapping me in the face and saying she didn't love me. And here I was, doing that to her after I went and told her the translation.
And the painful, somewhat hard to admit truth is that I haven't actually let her do much intimate stuff at all ever since she got pregnant. (Because I know you all want to know everything about a spirit/physical sex life, ugh. I'll stop soon. It's easy to forget just how far people are willing to listen when a. You live in Chicago (very open about relationships here) and b. You're a spirit. I mean, we have x-ray vision and follow people to the bathroom, for crying out loud. Boundaries are a lot more... More?)
So last night combined with this morning started making me worry about just what was going on, and also made some friends start worrying too. And then I was asked if cutting myself off from being close to people and getting what I needed was my way of dealing with grief. And my first thought after that was "Oh god, like how I didn't let myself even be attracted to girls for years after my mom died?"
Now, I'm okay with grief. I've dealt with a lot of grief over the amount of time I've been around. But what I don't like is just exactly what I'm grieving over and how it could affect the people I love, mainly, my daughter.
Because the painful truth is that I miss my brother so much that it sometimes even hurts just to look at Renee. But I don't like saying that, because she's in this constant state of feeling guilty that she's here instead of my brother. She even has this habit of coming up to me or Door and saying, "Mommy/Daddy? Do you love me?" And as soon as we assure that of course we do, we love her lots and lots and lots and lots and lots, then she'll go "Oh," and go back to her own little games.
I think that really, what I'm grieving the most is the fact that I don't have the ability to choose between my brother and my daughter. I've fallen way too hard and fast for the precious bundle of joy (Jeez, I make myself sick) known as Renee. Every time I hear someone call me "Daddy" it makes me grin from ear to ear no matter how hard I try to stop it.
But I still miss my brother. Renee isn't able to stand by my side as a companion like he did for so many years. And it'll probably be a while before she and I can stay up late tossing around complex theories about how the universe works. I sort of lost the one male peer I had in my life. Any other guys around in my life are either another world's version of me, romantically interested in me, or both. Except for one guy, who's extremely hard to hold down a conversation with.
I suppose I could set myself out on the mission of getting some simple friends. I've never been a big fan of having too many of them, but I'm starting to see just how important they really are now.
And as for you, Renee, I would never trade you just to get my brother back. Daddy loves you more than anything. You're the new stage in my life, and we all have to move on at some point. You're teaching me more important lessons than you'll ever realize. I'm incredibly blessed to have you around.
Damn, I'm hungry. I guess I'll stop figuring out my deep emotional inner conflicts and actually go make sure that I don't starve Door to death. I know you can't starve to death with one meal, but it never hurts to be too careful, right? (Well it can, but that's not the point.)
Oh yeah, by the way, I was raised in a language other than English, and I'm somewhat dyslexic on top of that, so I do make spelling and grammar mistakes that I don't even know are there when I read over my writing a second or third time. I only notice them once Door decides to read my work and she spots them one by one. She said I should leave them in instead of fixing because it strongly shows part of who I am. So the errors are staying. By her suggestion. Yup.
Okay, bye.
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