A Little Family History (Part 1)

This entire blog is going to be channeled. Yeah, channeled, as in, that thing people do to "receive messages from the great beyond, oooo." Most of you guys would probably call me a ghost, but trust me, I'm not really scary like everyone makes dead people out to be. I'm not here for revenge, and I'm more likely to save your life than try to end it. And besides, what harm could I do through the internet, anyway?

And by the way, yes, my name is Edward. NO, not Edward Cullen. I'm setting the record straight right now before anyone says anything. Me = me, not him. Good. Glad we had this talk.

So, now that we have introductions out of the way- Well, sort of. Hi, I'm Ed. I'm sort of here to dispel this idea that channeled documents always sound all mystical and... well, like a bunch of know-it-alls, and I'm sort of here just because I love bragging about my family. Yeah, I'm a spirit. Yeah, I could probably predict your future for you with a snap of fingers, or make a million dollars fall in your lap, or whisper all the secrets of the universe in your ear if I felt like it.

But yeah, I'm also a normal guy. Most spirits out there are just normal people, like people you meet in the street. There's even the creepy guys spirits that just camp out somewhere and stare at girls' butts. Just because you can let go of all the petty stupid little things once you die doesn't mean that everyone out there goes "Oh, I'm dead! I want to be the secret mature person hidden deep within me that I've never been before!"

But anyway, I'm feeling like I'm lecturing, which is the last thing I want to do. There are plenty of spirits out there willing to lecture on and on, so go ahead and find them if you want. I'm willing to answer questions as I receive them, not before. The main reason I'm here is for more of a storytelling purpose, I guess. Mostly because my wife pointed out to me that our lives (Or rather, her life and my non-life) are pretty funny.

That would be the funny bit there too. I have a wife, in a sense. Did I know her when I was alive. Nope. Is she dead herself? Nope. I met her when she was eight years old, because she was a little psychic who saw me and smiled, and that was enough to win me over.

And after a few years, the little psychic became a big psychic, who happened to grow a set of boobs and hips. And... Well... Yes, even mystical, know-it-all spirits get turned on by boobs and hips. And after a while, it ended up spilling out that after about nine years of hanging out with her, I was pretty deeply in love with her. And to my surprise, she admitted that she felt the same.

Whoohoo! Score! I got myself a girl! Yahoo!

Wait a minute, how are we going to be able to do anything when we're living in different planes? Crap!

And that, indeed, has been the question of our two and a half year relationship. You would not believe how many awkward situations you can run into with a relationship like that. For example, we consider ourselves to be married, but... Well, no court is going to issue a marriage certificate to a nineteen year old girl and her invisible boyfriend. Not to mention, if people ask if she's single, she doesn't want to say she is, but if she says she isn't, people want to know where her boyfriend is, what's his name, can I meet him, blah blah blah.

And meeting the in-laws... That just gives me chills remembering when Door tried to tell her parents that she talked to spirits, she happened to be very much in love with one of them, and no, he's not a demon. They got all upset because they had expected to give her a big wedding, have grandkids, the whole "normal life" shebang. Not to mention that they still seem to have doubts over whether I'm schizophrenia or out to steal her soul.

So that was our life for about two years. And then, we sort of found out that somehow, Door had managed to get pregnant.

Yeah, I know, I was sort of stunned myself. And before you asked, no, she didn't go around having sex with any physical guys out there. There wasn't really any chance of her getting pregnant other than me. But it somehow happened, all the same. Needless to say, as surprised as we were, we were both still elated (and more than a little worried).

And while that's not exactly getting you guys up to date, that's all I have time for today (and probably plenty to read anyway). So tomorrow I will continue the story from there, and then I'll actually be able to get down to what I want to do with this blog: tell current stories of what's going on with mine and Door's lives.

Feel free to ask questions as you feel like, or tell your own stories of spirits in your lives. I'm not a mean guy. Well, not most of the time. Seriously.

I'll now leave you all so I can be a responsible husband and take out the trash and do the laundry. Seriously, I thought you women complained that we men never do that stuff, so me doing it gets me bonus points, right?